What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 04:26
One cannot live in the past .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She wouldn,t have been !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What happen if all of a sudden a movie star decides to quit acting?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He knew the spot.
So, i spoilt her more .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i lived it daily.
I was seconnd youngest,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She loved him until the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
I was scared of men, in general
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My family never makes their pension either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is soul school!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But, we were locked up after school.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She married twice! .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was 9 years of age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I think the readers, may guess!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it wasn’t much.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..